I don't need you.

I've been hearing these four words a lot lately.

And today, during a nice long 12 mile run, I came to the startling realization that I don't like it.

Not one bit. You could tell by the tears and sobbing that happened in the middle of the Colby Lake trail, right around mile 7. That's sort of when it hit me.

That I'm in complete and utter denial.

Let's start at the beginning.

Last Wednesday, I went to dinner with some girlfriends. We all have kids around the same age and my friend Sarah was talking about how she is going to be that parent that cries the first day of kindergarten. She is dreading sending her first born to school.

I had a slightly different feeling (at the time). I was thinking- 'oh, this will save us some money, Jaxon is totally ready for it, it's so fun watching him grow up and learn and all the opportunities...'

Plus, I'm not around him all day like Sarah is with her daughter since she stays home so I sort of figured it wouldn't be any different than sending him to daycare every day, right?

Flash forward to mile 7. That's when I realized that everything is changing. So fast, before my eyes. And that there is a reason that the Back to School supply list has been sitting on my counter for a week without a trip to Target. I LOVE Target! And I LOVE school supplies! So, then. Why haven't I begun the annual 'back to school' tradition yet?

Oh yeah. Denial.

Let's get back to how things are changing.

 

 

This morning, Jaxon says "Mom, I'm just gonna hop in the shower quick.". And then he proceeded to take a shower, wash his hair, and get dressed all on his own. Then he combed his hair, blew it dry with Kiley's fake blow dryer for her dolls, and put his own gel in. From the bathroom I heard him say, "Mom, I messed up. I need to start over." I mean, really, it's Sunday- who are we trying to impress?

Lately he has been taking a shower in our bathroom while Kiley takes a bath on her own. He serves his own food and plays video games. I bought him some BeyBlades and you would think he was like the world expert on Beyblades. I mean, he is compared to me, but how does he even know this stuff?

Yesterday I took both kids to a movie, figuring I had nothing else to drop $17.00 on at the time and fully expecting Kiley to need to leave within the first twenty minutes. Jaxon kept telling her, "Kiley, you're doing so great. Now if you just keep it up, we can stay for the whole movie!" He's totally her big brother/mom/dad.

And just because Kiley is two years younger, doesn't mean she needs me any more than Jaxon does. In fact, she lets me know ALL the TIME that she does NOT need me and that I should just go away!

Go away mom, I'm coloring.
Go away mom, I'm going potty and I don't need you. I will wipe my butt really clean.
Go away mom, I can get my own water.
Go away mom, I'm playing.
Go away mom, stop looking at me.
Go away mom, I don't need you.

So, I'm not sure if it was a Justin Bieber song or Miley Sirus that struck during mile 7, but all of a sudden, I couldn't stop thinking about how quickly my babies are growing up! And that pretty soon, they are going to be even more independent and on their own. Moreso than they are now.

Of course, I know they still need me.
I know it when they ask for help opening their applesauce squeezers.
I know it when they need me to buckle their carseats.
I know it when they ask for a book at night and a cuddle/gobble/gickle/smithle/hug/kiss (oh yeah, we do all that before bed).
I know it when they can't quite get all the food items on the right conveyer belt when we play the Whole Foods app.
I know it when they need a hug or kiss on their owies (they can do the band-aids themselves though- go away!);
I know it when they feel sad and miss their friends or their family and need someone to listen
I know it when they crawl into bed in the middle of the night because they had a bad dream or they woke up and saw a weird looking shadow on the wall.

Of course they still need me! They'll need me forever!

I guess I'll just stay in my river of Denial a little while longer before picking up that list and heading over to Target... (then I'll really be in trouble!).