God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
I've been thinking alot lately... and so this will be one of those random 'Brenna's inner mind' posts, but not really for any of you. In fact, you might feel like an intruder reading it, but it's out there, so it's available to you if you want to share in the revelations. It's really more about me, and documenting where I'm at in my life, so that one day, when I pay $1257.98 to have this blog turned into a book the size of a dictionary, my kids can look back and think- oh, that's what she was thinking.
But I do hope that I will look back on this post often and remember the way I am feeling, and remember the simple changes I hope to be making moving forward....
For the past couple weeks, every now and then, Jaxon will ask, 'Mommy, you like me?'. He says it to Scott too. Now Scott may have me brush it off, thinking, he is just manipulating you again, trying to make you feel bad so you'll give him some more chocolate.
But I read into things. A bit much really. Or, perhaps I am knee deep in the trough of seasonal depressive disorder or just really friggin sick of winter (perhaps both as they are interrelated).
And so, I keep asking myself, why does Jaxon ask this question? Is it just a simple question, nothing to worry about? Or does it mean I've somehow failed at making my son realize I would love him no matter what (to which I promptly bought a children's book called 'No matter what' about this very thing).
So, I dug out my child-rearing books and have been trying to figure out just where I went wrong. Was it the iPhone 3G when I began to check my e-mail in front of him, which I'd never done before? Was it that I'm the last one picking him up sometimes because I had to sneak in a run so I can fit my jeans and make myself feel good? Was it that his sister is just as cute as he is, and I sometimes play with her more than I play with him, because I know she can't talk back to me yet, and I love the way she giggles and I miss how I used to do that with him?
When did I begin to say 'no' so much? When did I start to care about cleaning the counters and doing the dishes more than I cared about pretending to be a monster and hiding in laundry baskets? When did I begin to shush the sponge-like curiousity of my three year old, wanting to know how everything works and where the snow truck is bringing the snow and why the water in the gutter drain is frozen one day and dripping the next? When did I start turning the TV on to buy me a few minutes of precious peace and quiet so I could make dinner, instead of inviting a learning mind and excellent garlic peeler into the kitchen?
I know I've been doing this for a few years now... but why does it all seem so new again? What the hell?
And so...in an attempt to become a better mom, I will walk by the dirty dishes (at least until they are in bed, maybe just rinse them while cleaning up)... And I will let the laundry sit in the closet so we can hide in the baskets... And I will offer more choices, praise more, and soak up all the sillyness that comes my way- things like 'mom, you know who Justin Bieber is?' and 'your face is pretty', and 'i'm a dinasour, and you're a princess, and Kiley's a queen.'... I will really work on only checking e-mails after the kids are in bed...
I'm not perfect, I know that. I just always thought I was better than this... I guess it is a work in progress. I do know, that I want to look back on my life and know that I always made my kids feel loved, no matter what. That they can always feel like they can talk to me, share with me, laugh and cry with me (and Scott of course too ;-). I want to be remembered for being that fun mommy who danced around the room to the Black Eyed Peas and who ran around like a dinasour and then at a moment's command turned into an airplaine or a monster. I want my kids to remember me for so much more than having clean clothes and a decent looking house.
My dad always told me, you wake up in the morning and you choose your attitude.... so I'm choosing to be happy. To be loving, accepting, nurturing... to be the best mom, wife, friend, daughter I can be...
See... you feel like an intruder, don't you?
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